I used to think my bearings were in my feet, the roots that would never grab a hold. Then for awhile while giving Thai Massages, well of course in my hands and my ability to feel and heal. Now I know, my bearings are in my heart.
Trust me I am not trying to get all emotional as I attempt to put words to this feeling I have. It wasn't until I realized I was trying to hurt myself that this even came to the surface. By hurt I do not mean cutting or any sort of physical pain. It was emotional.
Holding onto the past isn't something I am known for, however I do hold onto people. It's like I cannot let go of the impact they made on me and by removing them out of my life I fear that the person I have become will not be. Like removing ingredients from a perfect baked good that is left tasting of baking powder and salt. But I have to start letting THEM go.
You see in this photograph here....my heels are lifted, I am elevating and yet my hands seem to grasp. In reality it is my heart facing down and pulling me back into a state of perpetual memory. I know that when resting in memory I cannot awaken to presence. So wake the fuck up already.
I have my bearings and I am still fighting against it as I dig to find words of pain, photographs and videos that seem to pierce me to the core. The truth is they aren't even mine. They don't belong to me they never will. So I stop grasping. I peel myself up and I sit still. The compass within my heart spins, North, South, East, West....just spins until my breath calms....then nothing. The needle breaks off and I am just here.
Photograph by Susan Currie